Dear Google:

You have been over here for a while now and it's been a good arrangement for us both. You have 74,000,000,000 users (maybe more, maybe less—it changes every week) and we have dedicated insights into the People's internet uses and habits.

It has allowed you to make a lot of money and we've been able to squelch the annoying human need for individuality and dignity. We not only lead the world by making our People bar-coded seriads, but we are the envy of Corporate Persons the world over. Our favorite American client, the Bush family, weeps openly in admiration of our progress.

But you insist on leaving if we don't stop "censoring" you, what we call "data mining." (Tip of the cap to that same Bush family.) This after you let it pass only a few years ago, because we were making so much money together. I guess that irritating "world reaction" got to you, eh?

Wussy!

Here's the deal: You stay here long enough for us to nationalize you. Then you can go whenever and wherever you want. And if DC wants to get involved, tell them they owe us several trillion dollars. (Maybe more, maybe less—it changes every week.) WE'LL call the shots, thank you.

Sincerely,