Your Classical 'Starter Kit'

After receiving hundreds of letters demanding it, I now present my list of Classical Music pieces to begin a life of listening pleasure.

Classical music is NOT performed by ensembles comprised of guitars and drums and rehearsed in the garage. Ususally, one hears classical music while dressed in church clothes, in a beautiful place that is comfortable enough to put you to sleep after a tough day at work. (And the tickets probably ran $170 for the pair.) This is too bad: classical music is complex and beautiful enough to transport you to your mind's universe. But after work, in a suit and in luxurious seating, with an expensive dinner in you, such transport is often accompanied by soft snoring—to the displeasure of your date and the other people around you.

So start all over again, darn it. Get these 10 pieces that I list below. They are not in any order of greatness, but they comprise the best place to start. You'll have heard them all before, in commercials and movies. But as pieces unto themselves, they'll take on a whole new vibe and I'm betting you want to go to the next level. Which I'll offer, naturally, in the future to guide you.

And don't pay too much—there's affordable options to buy or download. Put the music on, have a seat and listen to it for a while. Let it speak to you with its friendly voice and let your thoughts answer back. In time, you'll have enough experience and opinions to impress your snotty, English-Lit sister. You will be an afficianado of the genre. Ahem.

• Eine kleine Nachtmusik
  After 3 minutes of cliche, you'll discover a great piece of music and the magic that is Mozart.


• Beethoven's 5th Symphony
  Probably the one lick everybody could hum if their life depended on it.


• Nutcracker Suite
  Sure, it's Christmas-ey, but when you listen, you'll experience real beauty. And no one has to know but you.


• Rhapsody in Blue
  Gershwin was a 20th-century American. Declare this patriotically, and everyone will think you're as macho as you are cultured.


• Four Seasons
  Vivaldi never knew his concert piece would become so damned recognizable—every note, too. So go out and create something: you never know!


• Brandenburg Concertos
  Yes, get all six on 2 CDs. You can afford it. And when you make out on the couch to it, and it goes on and on, you will thank me.


• 1812 Overture
  By Tchaikovsky. It's OK to conduct this one at higher volume. Just close the drapes or you people will laugh.


• Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata
  A piano piece. If it's on when people come by, your status will truly change. I'm serious about this.


• Waltzes by Johann Strauss II
  A little sissy-ish, but remember it's just you listening to get acquainted with the classics. Srauss's walzes are complex and very beautiful. Like that hostess at Chili's who doesn't know you're alive even though you go there whenever she works.


• Pachelbel's Canon in D
  Don't give me that! You'll be whistling it the day after you listen. Yes you will! Then you'll have it in the car when the commute is a bummer. Yes you will!